My Grandma Chala aka "Mom" passed away Wednesday, November 24, 2010 - The day before Thanksgiving. She spent the last month of her life in Hospice after a fall down the stairs resulting in several bone breaks. She was 83 years old. I was not at her bedside even though I wanted to be. Old wounds heal slowly.
I walked away from my moms side of the family almost 7 years ago. It was a very bad time in our family. My parents were divorcing after 35 years of marriage and none of us handled the divorce well at all. Lots of words were said and feelings were hurt. Lies told. It was a bloody mess. Hurt and angry I turned my back and walked away. It wasn't the easiest thing in the world to do. In fact it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do and live through. It almost broke me.
They knew my daughter but have never met my son. I have stayed away because it has been easier than fighting. Easier than being manipulated. Easier than being lied to. It is easier than being hurt and disillusioned. For every easy there has been a difficulty. I missed my Mom and Tata (my grandparents.) I've missed them so much. They were always loving and kind and just so much fun to be around. That side of the family is the party side of the family. We are a large family as well. Members in Mexicali, Calexico, Hesperia, and all over SoCal. I've missed my Uncle Bob, my Uncle Jr., my Nino & Nina, my cousin Rich, my sister, and even my Mom.
It's been a long road. I am a stubborn one and sometimes volatile. My sister is the one who has extended the olive branch so to speak. She is the one who is making the effort. You see I take after my father and can compartmentalize my emotions when they overwhelm me. When it's too much, I shut down. God commands us to forgive, and I have forgiven the 3. Reconciling takes a whole lot more time and is far more difficult. Re-building trust and respect, now that's a totally different issue all together!
So yeah, years have now gone by and it's just become a new life this current one I am living. But I have missed my family. I missed the closeness. I have missed the card games at the table. I missed my "Mom" swearing like a sailor and cheating at cards and us letting her. I've missed her hugs. I've missed her smiles. I've missed her love. I missed the gatherings.
Now I am a different person and have filled those voids with other people in my life. & I have prayed a lot. I am no longer angry. Not as volatile as I used to be. But I will be honest, I am still hurt and don't trust.
Last night I decided it would be just easier to not go to her funeral. I even ordered flowers and sent a message to my sister bowing out. But God continues His works. This morning while still in my Christmas Flannel Pajama's and in the drop off lane at school I decided I was going. 30 minutes later and praying for strength the whole time I was in the car driving up the Cajon. I arrived just after my Granma, Aunt & Uncle from my dad's side of the family. God works those miracles no matter how small! Together the 4 of us walked in to what I had considered the Lions Den. My Uncle was the first to greet us, and that went well. Then my other cousin. Next we are in line to sign the book and my cousin and aunt. Then my sister. This is really hard. The emotions bubble to the surface. We sign the book and walk down the aisle to my Tata, my family in tow (gotta love their support,) and now I'm in front of my Tata.
He looks just the same, that man. He lights up at seeing me. My heart. The tears. We hug. I have missed this man and his bear hugs! Fighting the tears and regaining my strength I now face my mother whom I haven't seen in quite a few years. That man is a stinker, he says I have something to say to her. Now what? Hi? Seriously, didn't see that bus comin. But we embrace and kiss. My family and I seat ourselves at the back of the church and mass begins.... in spanish.... good thing I know some and was raised Catholic so I know what to do even though I don't understand what the Priest is saying. My Uncle Sil eulogizes her and gives a great dedication to her memory and mass ends.
Afterwards in the lobby I am greeted by family and cousins whom I haven't seen in too many years and it's all I can do to remain strong. At this point I am a little overwhelmed with it all because let me just tell you I have a large family, on both sides. My grandparents had 4 children who each in turn had at least 2 children a piece. Then there are the aunts and uncles and the great aunts and great uncles and of course the cousins. I have put the walls and barriers up and it's hard to tear them down but I am there.
Just before they all leave to go back to the house my Tata pulls me aside and he apologizes to me for the past. Oh my heart! He begs me to come back to the family. I cannot promise something to him that just may not happen but I do promise him I will try. So right now both of us are crying fools, even though I'm hard hearted and stubborn I'm a sentimental fool just like he is and we both can cry easily. It's time for me to return home and I must disappoint him for not coming back to his house. Getting to her funeral was a step for me. I didn't plan on going and needed to get back south so hubby could get to work on time and he was home with the boy.
I say my goodbye's and make the drive home. Now I'm sitting here and trying to figure out what I'm feeling. Today was hard. I am emotionally drained. God gave me the strength I prayed for to attend her funeral and face my family after all these years. Facing my past was difficult. The healing waters will soon come. The damn will eventually burst. I'm just hoping I can make it through New Years without the inevitable burst. I come home to my loving and understanding hubby and he wants to know I am ok. He knows how hard these years have been on me and he follows my lead when it comes to my family and how I move forward with them. He's a good man who knows when I need to be hugged and loved and be silent while I weep.
So now I must get back to reality and resume my life and who knows what the future holds. Only God does. I do know this, I have missed my family and what used to be. Where He leads me, I will follow.
Until Next Time, SoCal Marisa
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